Sunday, March 28, 2010

Blow Treats for the Sexually Challenged

Wikipedia defines a blowjob as: 
Fellatio, also called fellation, is oral sex performed upon the penis. It may be performed to induce orgasm and ejaculation of semen, or it can be used as foreplay prior to vaginal or anal forms of intercourse.
Fellatio is commonly referred to as a blowjob. Fellatio is also sometimes referred to as "giving head" or "going down." Other terms include "sucking dick" and "sucking off."

It has come to my attention that the unimaginative may benefit from visual aids such as this, and you don't need to know Japanese to get the point right? This is what you do you great big man you..

     1. Get a cardboard box, now this would depend on the size of your Schniedelwutz. Just to be safe, get a shoebox. Now if, your johnson doesn't live up to expectations your on your own buddy.
     2. Cut a hole on one side of the box. Prior to this you might need a massive erection to make this work, now in case you need to carry your "gift" for more than an hour, I suggest that you take a Viagra or two. Better yet, ground activated charcoal sprinkled on your weenie. Why you ask? That MF turns shit into rocks, turning it into wonderdick should'nt be a problem.
     3. Print out a copy of image above and place inside the box, add shredded tissue paper for personal touch. Do not use typewritting paper, papercuts can be a mutherfucker. You can add condoms, lubes, sex toys to add variety. Never be afraid to experiment, unless it envolves strap-on dildos which may be a problem...
     4.Wrap box in fancy colored gift paper with ribbons.
     5. Write a little poetry on the gift card, as well as your lover's name...always add this line "I hope you enjoy my gift in a box!!"
     5. Give to the woman (or man...its up to sick bastard!) you love this Valentines day, Xmas, Your Birthday, Anniversary, prior to make-up sex, etc.

Check out this vid by Justin and Andy gift-in a box on how to effectively do this elaborate but eventually satisfying (if done correctly) gift-giving method. 


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Anne Curtis Wardrobe Malfunction = Epic Fail/Win

 I just couldn't resist. It was there, so I posted it. Its nothing to be ashamed of Anne. I just feel sorry for the sick bastards who are taking pictures..its the wrong angle fuckheads. Why settle for this if you can go to Youporn or Pornhub, at least its moving right...So go out and name your left hand Princess Leia and the other hand Chewbacca...go have a party!


My 10 Fucked Up Films That Changed My Life Forever...

     The scene starts with this guy who looks like the thin guy from Roadtrip...yep the guy who used to have cancer. He's strapped in to this surgical contraption while standing up. Now he's looking down on his body cavity and he seems to be pre-occupied with something. Scene cuts and we see blood soaked tissues, sliced open, arteries clamped cut  and filled with what seems to be embalming fluid, Hehehe, actually the scene reminds me of the oil and water clips from the Baby Channel which is quite serene and dreamy...and if you consider Thomas Hewitt aka Leatherface as a hunk who uses Ruffa Gutierrez's  face as a mask (Please God, make my dreams come true), you need to watch this movie dude...

     Now it'll take more than blood, guts and half-naked Brad Pitts to fuck me up. Its all about character bro. The movie's premise alone should be able to do the trick. Donnie Darko uses little SFX and has absolutely no gore whatsoever, but the premise of time travel via the novel "The Philosophy of Time Travel" and a sinister looking rabbit who gives the protagonist sound advise, somehow gives you that impression of "realness". Sometimes in life you get epiphanies such as having really bad coughing fits and breathing literally becomes a burden which made you decide to quit smoking (this thing actually happened to me, quit cold turkey 3 years ago..whoopeedoo...yep, I miss it) , waiting for the one step pregnancy result (Congratulations! You're gonna be a father ,fuckhead..lets pray your son doesn't  do any of those Luke Skywalker shit on you) or in this case having an imaginary sexual appendage giving you  advice on relationships...(had this one too..but that's another story)

This is my list so far...

1. Taxidermia

     This is a Hungarian film which consists of 3 parts. The best one being the last...Note the picture above. A work of art ain't it. Go out and get this movie.

2. Perfume
     Saw this badboy @ Star Movies a few months ago. Its about this idiot savant who is obsessed with scents and is scentless himself. His obsession led him to find the perfect scent, by preying on hot virginal women.

3. Eraserhead
     Very surreal, very weird, seriously fucked up from the mind of David Lynch and is shot in glorious black and white. Incidentally, Ely Buendia, who was a big fan of this film and was a film major in UP Diliman, got their name from this movie.

4. In the Realm of the Senses
      No doubt, the Japanese are a horny bunch..we see them marrying anime girlfriends, executives collecting soiled underthings from willing nubile women and hentai cartoons on alien multi-tentacled pervs from space. Its no suprise that its only them that can come up with a story on the "destructive" aspect of love. Set in Japan during the 1930's. its about an illicit love affair between a hotel owner and his mistress. Now we see a little foreplay, a little unsimulated sexual intercourse here and there until....the egg insertion, sex with an old dude and a milf, erotoasphyxiation and finally the mutual Lorena Bobbitt scene. Definitely not for the faint of heart, from what I read, this flick is still banned in its native country.

5. Memento
     A strange movie with a strange narrative sequence. The flick somehow starts towards the end and narrates the story to where everything started becoming shitty. Guy Pearce here is a convincing amnesiac and the logic behind strange tattoos that appear all over his body. This actually gave me an idea for a tattoo that I'm gonna get soon. The gist of the story is, try to put yourself in the shoes of a guy who can only remember what happened to him 10 minutes ago...Fucked up right??

6. Donnie Darko
    This is a muthafuckin' cool movie, seriously fucked up as well. Its basically a story on teenage angst, isolation and time travel. Check out the fictional book "The Philosophy of Time Travel" and I can make a believer out of you. Sweet Jesus, who do I have to kill to get that wicked bunny costume...

7. Salo
     This movie is sick! Sick, I tell you put 20 teenagers in a town in Italy, add 4 facist masochists, 2 elderly prostitutes and a couple of other wildcards and you'll have a shit-eating party. This is also not for the faint of heart. This flick is pure are you curious?!? Download a copy...and download the film 2 girls and one'll enjoy it!!

8. Dead Ringers
     An old movie that came out in 1993. I was into horror at that time, and I thought this one was a gorefest party with a tinge of female nudity...Hindi pala. Its a story of 2 twin doctors who are obsessed with this really horny assistant or nurse...I can't really remember the plot of the movie, all I remember is they have body shock scenes and fucked up medical instruments they use on their OB patients. Best scene is the red operating table which was waaaaay cool...wish they'd do that here...

9. Akira
       I love anything cyberpunk. And this was, in my own personal opinion is the grand-daddy of them all. Set in Neo-Tokyo after the old Tokyo got destroyed and gave way to WWIII. Everything is fucked up, the goverment..the schools..there are biker gangs everywhere, the army is in control of everything and yet everything is so out of control. Its dirty, and from the looks of it, a dream to live in...This has a plot of apocalyptic proportions and can kick 2012 ass anytime...If the world is going down in a bang, may we all hope everything ends like this..

10. The Ring (Japanese)
      The pic says it all. Saw this movie in the old greenbelt mall which had this Japanese film fest thingy. My skepticism turned into sheer horror after the hour and so. Watched 2 of the 3 movies that day..watched the third the next day. I was hooked...I love you Sadako. Please pop out of GMA's laptop monitor and scare the living shit out of her..